Wings of Thoughts 2

2005-12-14T20:09:00.000+08:00

Listen

It is sometimes pleasing to forget about your own life and read about people's life. It gives you a different angle to view life. I realise that everyone has a story to tell, but whether anyone wants to hear it. It seems that in this materialistic and self centred world, no one has the patience to sit and listen to others.

As I was having my dinner just now, two young boys approached me and ask me to spend sometime to listen to them. So I gave them a minute to say what they wanted. At first I wanted to refuse them and disply my lack of interest because I knew they were going to ask for a donation, but I noticed that the people sitting in front of me had also done that. With the recent news this year about frauds in social welfare and the whole scam on the public donation, I was very skeptical and did not want to be cheated. So I decided to check out their story and view the documents at hand. Indeed there were many loop holes and many questions I posted did return to me with convincing answers. Through out this time one thing came to may mind, they are asking for help!!! Or at least help for someone. Then I started to look back at my own mother. If there were no kind people on this earth, she would not have made it very far. A moment of compassion came over me and I was convinced by my heart to give.

I know that there is a possiblity that I may have been cheated, or not, but the point that I discovered was Christ himself would not have left the scene without helping those that were in need. He would have given them something that would have helped them, whether directly on indirectly, or at least listen to what they had to say. On today's newspaper, there was a column that reported that the founders of the "The Body Shop" wanted to give away their share of wealth. both husband and wife agreed to do so because they did not want to die rich. They point that was made was that theyu are not greedy for money and lookf forward to their share to be sent to a foundation where it can be distributed to thse who need it. The wife did say that she doesn't understand why people can become richer but not more generous. It is a very good point. Why is that so?

Relating this to my life, I realise that money is not something that I can use to help others at the moment, but a listening ear is what I can offer. I guess this earth has had enough of people talking, we should start the cultivating the habit of listening. In a similar context, listening is part and parcel of friendship. Rick Warren did mention in his book "The Purpose Driven Life", that fellowship has to be genuine and I can say that it has to start with taking time and interest to listen to what people have to say.

2005-11-12T16:56:00.000+08:00

Gone and Back Again
It has been almost 3 months now since I last blogged. One of the reason is because I have been so busy and preoccupied with my daily activities that I have not had the time to do so. So much has happened since then. I would not know the shortest way to describe the whole ordeal that I have been through.

I am not sure wherther I mentionanything in my blog about my work, but in a nut shell it has been quite a experience. Although I have been working for 5-6 months, but I can say that is a world that is full of many twists and turns. I found it particularly difficult in the area of ethics. Every step and every decision was a challenge and a temptation on its own. You never know when something will hit you. Through it all, I had always had the thought wondering the things that happened whether it was something good or not.

Constantly place in the line of fire and under pressure, it is sometimes difficult to have a sane mind and handle all of it with a calm attitude. It becomes more difficult when you are to respond to something that has affected you and your stands. It is true that we as christians should work unto the Lord and not to men, but it becomes very difficult since your boss and collehues are all in front of you physically. I am still struggling as a christian to make a difference in the working community and also strike a balance with what the secular world requires of me. Both are soemtimes very contradicting. However I do hope that God will truly prevail above it all.

Although I have just begun my career and many things around me are very discouraging, but I will not give up. I want to see this through and know the end that I will meet and what God has ready installed for me.

2005-07-27T09:42:00.000+08:00

A materialistic life...
A life that is centered on fulfilling the material desires. just sitting down by the road side looking at the passer-by, I realise that I have been given a lot. Though I may not have everything I see around me, but I have gained many other things people have not got.

This realisation came to me as I saw a car drive pass me. In that car was a man, I assumed he was on his way to pick up someone. When the car stopnot to far in front of me a lady, I assumed to be his wife, got into the car. The car that was driven was a Proton Saga/Iswara. At that moment I recalled my need for a car. Then I started to look back on my decision and what I intended to get, and I realised that I my decision was not only influenced by the need but by my selfish desires to have something luxurious. At the end It did not matter what car I got, I just simply needed something to move around in, somethingI could affort. The problem that I face was that my desires clouded my mind of the need I had. Does it matter waht car I drive? Not to God... As long as I used it for the right things. Obviously I cannot affort luxury, meeting my needs should be priority. Persuing luxury at the moment would be persuing materialism. Does that differ from working towards achieving a better life? A life with luxurious things? I my opinion, if you find ways to squeeze your budget to persue something tht you cannot affort or at the expense of others, then that I consider being materialistic. At the end of the day, I do not think that God intended to give up our material surroundings nor neglect them. It was brougt into this world for a reason.

2005-06-13T11:54:00.000+08:00

Logical or heart felt?
When faced with a problem, we try our best to make the best possible decision. But what is the best possible decision based upon? Facts or feelings? I guess that would have to depend whether you are a sentimentalist or practicalist (if there is such a word). Some people choose to think with their mind, filtering all the facts and weighing the pros and cons of each option. Upon executing the decision made, they are ready to justify their actions with all the facts that they have gathered. One thing you have to admire about people like this is they are systemtic and resourceful. The sentimentalist on the other hand decides based on emotions. Generally it seems like an undependable method of decision making due to the lack of factual support. So does this mean that begin logical about everything is the right path and everyone should follow this path?
It is said that sometimes something we cannot use our heads to think but our hearts. How true is that statement? Doesn't factual decision making prove to be more reliable? One flaw in factual decision making is that there is not values of simpathy or empathy. Factual decision making is solely based on figures and benefits. A logical decision is aimed to gain and never to lose. Emotional thinking on the other hand decides based on the purest feelings, like love, sorrow, hate, anger and joy. Although our emotions may lead us to decide on a right decision, but is not necessary the good decision, vice versa. So which do we follow?
As a human, I myself do not have the answers. But I believe that following your heart the right way, but my not be the best way to choose. To ensure that our heart does not go wrong and decides on what is right, it is good to have a good reference point. At this moment the only guide I can think of is God. The only thing I hope for is that my trust and faith in Him will be persistant, and the decisions I make will not be for myself alone but for Him and His glory. So help me God.

2005-06-08T16:57:00.000+08:00

A Slave of Thought

Emotions, the one thing that brings flavour to our lives. Being caught up in the midst of an emotional string of events is sometimes dangerous. It causes us to react in ways that sometimes we never intended to. Rage is one extreme example I can think of. On the milder side, feeling own and moody is the common problem. Emotional intelligence? It is difficult to understand and practise that from a self-help book. It always seems to good to be true and many a time too complicated to practise. The key is to understand that our emotions are determined by us. Our heart is not the victim and we do not have to follow that response and feel the way we do. We determine what we feel. Sometimes the problem is that we personalise things to much. We only think of ourselves and how it will benefit or harm us. We should think outside the box, and not let our person be bottled and boxed up. It is not how well we can manipulate our feelings, but how much we allow ourselves to feel the way we do. Allowing ourselves to soak in self pitty is one of the most disasterous thing that can be done. It prevents us from moving on and leads us to sometimes make the wrong decision. I persoanlly have learn it the hard way, but I turned out alright and learned much from this experience. Although I still consider myself being emotional, but there is always two sides to the coin. Being emotional can both benefit and harm you. It all depends whether you can see that distinctive line that sparates the benefit and harm. Emotions as I said can harm you and lead you to condemn yourself in bad times, but it also brings flavour to your life if you know how to cherrish and enjoy those feelings. For example, feeling sad is not all that bad. In my case when I am sad, I am able to artistically express myself our in words. Although sadness is tolerable, you should not let it go too far and lead you into depression. That wold be a path that is difficult to return from. On the lighter side, laughter is still the best medicine. It is the only medicine that I can think of that too much or an over dose is encourage. It helps bring the sweetness and fun back into life. It motivates, inspires, and drives a person to live a fun filled life.

2005-03-08T21:52:00.000+08:00

To walk forward with a determine heart,
To build a life never complaining about the start.
To dream a dream that can carry me to happiness,
To hold on to a hope that can pull me through dryness.

Making my way through to a distant land,
Always an eye out looking for a helping hand.
Thankful for every friend I meet,
As I walk this life's journey with this two feet.

It is funny how life turns out when we go through each stage. It will never cease to suprise and disappoint, but one thing must stand strong to live a fulfilled life. That is determination.

2005-01-04T01:08:00.000+08:00

A Discontent Heart

Sadness in my heart,

Struggling through by part.

Never knowing what may come,

Feeling lonely and extremely dumb.

Looking for LOVE,

But never above.

Weak in emotion,

Though life goes on in motion.

Dirty inside I feel,

Never wanting to reveal.

Why must life be that way?

As I try to make my way.

A shadowy plain and a dark dark night,

Never will I see my heart at flight.

Though hope still stands for me today,

But I do not want it to fade away.

2004-12-08T21:15:00.000+08:00

A man on my own,
Searching the skies for a future.
At this instance alone,
Hunting for love without capture.

Learning to cope,
The life of a sinner.
Counting on hope,
To make me a winner.

What battles ahead?
Many I cannot see.
What lies on my bed?
The defeated part of me.

Not yet the end,
I've to keep on walking.
There's much to mend,
For a future that I'm hoping.

Life brings us through many roads, but not giving up is the one thing that keeps us going. Apart from the other elements of life. To stand up after you fall is as important as gaining help...

2004-12-02T11:16:00.000+08:00

The Sands of Time

In one instance you are at the prime period of your life. Being able to be looked upon as an adult, nut on the other hand lacking the responsibility of an adult. What freedom! That life is about to come to an end soon. Though it is a sad thing to think about but one thing remains, that is it was a good walk. Throughout this journey most of us have gone from one end of life to the other and I believed have learned much form it. All this experiences in the end makes us who we are, but the learning shouldn't stop here. We are all about to enter a totally different level of life now and we should embrace it with enthusiasm.
As much as I want this moments to stay on forever, it is not possible. Time and tide waits for no man. I am indeed thankful to all the people I have met, they are what I consider the spices of my life. Each bearing a different flavor. If there is one thing that I am happy about in my life is the friends I have made throughout these years in my life. I really do want to know what will happen in the future, but neither do I want to spoil the excitement of finding out.

On this journey we embark,
Looking out for friends to huge.
Different faces and different names,
But inside we all look the same.

Coming close to the finishing,
I wish it was never ending.
But the time has come to move on,
To face the world with our heads on.

Though it's sad to look upon,
I was happy throughout this time.
Hope one day we will all stand on,
A friendship that never ends though mime.

2004-11-12T01:21:00.000+08:00

Insanity

The horror of being trapped in a situation where there seems to be no way out, only provokes you to insanity.

On the verge of being insane, feel like jumping off the plane.

To where does this insanity lead, I do not yet understand. To cross that line is only a step away. So am I bound to such a fate, or is it still in my hand to cope. Sometimes we are haunted by chaotic thoughts and we are unable to control and it make a living hell out of life. At times it is still bearable, but sometimes they aren't.

It has been a hard week for me, but the one good thing that I see is that I am still standing. My only hiding place from this torment was my dreams. In them I am free. And as I begin to think of the entire ordeal that I have been through, it was a difficult time to go through but a walk did not take my life. People say that if something doesn't kill you, it will only make you stronger. Do I feel strong? The answer is no. I feel the same as I have always been, the only difference is I have gone through more. However in this defeat there is a victory. Being able to survive mental torment and still walk this earth with a pinch of sanity is a victory indeed. It is the only thing that keeps me moving on to the next day for the moment. Although hope seems fade, but there's still a dream. I guess that is what holds me from insanity. Like the short poem that I wrote:

Waiting for the sun to fall,

So that I may forget it all.

Only then will I be free,

To choose whatever I want to be.

When the sun falls, I return to the place I want to be. Where all is perfect as can be.

2004-11-08T22:02:00.000+08:00

Frustrated by circumstances

Ever had the urge to be rebellious? Sometime frustration just creeps up at your door way and won't let you pass. Ever felt like Oliver Twist? Much to ask, but little to offer? I feel that way now. It seems that sometime life can be a lonely place when you face battles alone. Although people are all around you, but they do not see what you face beneath you. I have been in this state as long as I can remember. Though there have been joyous moments, but the burden now is weighs more.
You know what is more discouraging than being discouraged? Seeing the two pillars of your life fall and have nothing else to offer but discouragement. It is a defeat that I could not avoid. One defeat that I never had a chance to fight for. I guess you can say that it is like facing the loss from other people's defeat. The only thing I feel like doing is run and never stop running. This feeling is horrible. It eats you away, making you feel like avoiding tomorrow. God do you see me? Can you help me?
Being able only to embrace the lost, not having the ability to rise. Then self-esteem comes in the way, and the journey becomes a whole lot tougher. The only barrier from insanity is speaking to the open space beyond this screen. Why is life like this? Is this the punishment that I am suppose to endure for my wrong doing?
My friends also face equally hard times, but I cannot be there for them. Unwanted, unable to make a difference. Now as I think of little Oliver, I feel the sadness he has to face. However, I believe his story didn't end sad. The Bible did say in the Book of Job something along this line: " Your beginnings will be humble, but your future will be prosperous".
It is funny sometimes that having a glimps of other people's hope, you too gain a little hope for yourself. Just enough to get you through the day. Maybe that would be enough for the moment...

2004-10-10T01:58:00.000+08:00

Love of the Forbidden Apple

How many times have we come to cross-roads and cought hold the sigh of the forbidden apple. My path has lead me there! To resist the desire for a bite and the temptation of a scent haunts my days and nights. Though it does not dominate my thoughts, but the space that I have left for it to root has increased. Now I am faced with a delima where I have to make a decision, whether to unroot it or live with it. Though my heart may desire to taste the sweetness of this fruit, but I am afraid of the wrong I might do. If only the circumstances where different. To live on a string of hope and to hunt the an enemy I cannot see, it feels like standing on the shorter end of the life line. Helpless to make a difference, supportless to recieve the change. All odds against me, do I back out? Can I resist the sight of the forbidden apple? The love for it will be my down fall. Or will it?

Choiceless I stand here today,

To recieve a word I must obey.

To kill a dream which is my will,

And take a life that might fulfill.

Isn't there another way?

For God to hear what I have to say?

Could things change that I may see,

My dreams come though to reality?

I wish things would end up differently,

And not show up so suddenly.

I hope that it will never come to part,

For its a wish thats from my heart.

But this life is not mine to will,

It's in a hand that holds the seal.

I guess there is nothing I can do,

Just hope that one day my dream comes true.

2004-09-22T21:40:00.000+08:00

Don't have poetry today.
Just a feeling I want to say.

Wicker Park...
I'm not sure whether I spelled it correctly, but that is the title of the movie I saw today. It was a handful. Started off in a lost rhythm and ended with a joyful blast. It is one of those stories that keeps me thinking that there is still a thing call hope out there. It has definitely set my dreams back on track. It has openned my eyes to what I have been searching for. This movie has also shown me one thing, that is, in the real world many people are a victim of love. Whether the right or wrong kind, selfishness is the drive.
In the worldly sense, I feel this four letter word in wild and uncontrolled. It is like a hungry tiger walking through the forest looking for prey. The moment something of worth come in hand, there is no pause to think only a continuing action of devouring. It is a nature that many have. I do not fully understand this same nature that I posses, but one thing is for sure. It is selfish too. As hard as I fight to make myself ideal (I dare not use the word perfect because only one matchess that), I'm always reminded that I cannot fulfill it. I am human, and I am weak. this journey I have embarked on to understand myself and this nature has been slow and unfruitful. No one can give me an answer that can satisfy I think. It is a discovery that needs to me realized by oneself.

2004-09-21T18:18:00.000+08:00

Unspoken Words

Looking into your eyes,

I can see our worlds colide.

A love that never dies,

A heart that will never divide.

Do I know what I'm feeling?

Is this just my dream?

My heart beat's calling,

Looking for a hope it may seem.

Though the feeling is strong,

But reality is shows the opposite.

Maybe I could be wrong,

But I doubt it won't be that counterfit.

Sad to say it may be the truth,

The one truth that only I'll know.

You'll just be standing in another booth,

Cause you'll never see these words I have to show.

Unity

Tell me what is unity,

Is it leaving a friend to be?

Isn't kindness a good policy?

Is courtesy no longer free?

Its difficult these days to even stand tall,

Struggling through but destined to fall.

Isn't there someone who cares at all?

Is there someone that would answer my call?

People just take things all for granted,

Very rare do we see a man that is kind hearted.

All the beauty I see will soon be departed,

Cause all the love on this earth has been battered.

Though unfair it may seem,

To make hope seem so deam.

But I no longer have the self esteem,

To look ahead and catch my dream.

2004-09-07T17:30:00.000+08:00

Life has been funny for this pass month. Many times have I felt low, but I have been blessed with words. In sadness I have found a joy to write. The expression of the century, the story of my life...

Goodbye…

Living a life that’s made of clay,
Look at it in shades of grey.
Lifting up my spirits high,
Never wanting to say goodbye.

Is there nothing left for me?
Nothing but a memory?
Sitting up till the break of dawn,
Wondering how I should go on?

Though ahead I’ve much to run,
But I’m still looking out for fun.
With friends all gone from my side,
I do not know where to look as guide.

When sad times come on distant nights,
Who will I go to with my frights.
Lonely will be this time for me,
Hunting out for some company.

Though its time to say farewell,
I’ll keep goodbye and wish you well.
Hope to see you all one day,
Then we can all come out and play.

Fallen truth

A man with a heart that longs for love,
Looking at places that does not share.
Though he knows God’s looking from above,
He still will not let Him care.

His heart is proud and carries pain,
All he wants is to live his life and to satisfy.
He looks afar he looks in vein,
For a love that cannot rectify.

When he falls and finally sees,
The love of God that over flows.
Only then will he be on his knees,
Accept a love that only God shows.

A different road

Believing all that I hear,
Wanting it to be so near.
Truth to be I could not see,
What it is, its reality.

Only to find that I've fallen behind,
To a world of sin that has made me blind.
Though forgiven through grace He gave,
But my heart still longs for the things I crave.

The confusion and the shame,
No longer does my heart seek fame.
Looking for a way to get through,
But I did not know where to turn to.

After struggles and disturbing fights,
I finally came to see the light.
A life of sin a life of frights,
Was only life that was filled with pride.

So came a time for me to change,
To have a new life a brand new start.
Although at first it all felt strange,
But through time it truly blessed my heart.

Sailing away

Going to a distant land,
Looking for a place to sleep.
Growing up to be a man,
Looking for true friends to keep.

Distant sounds and scary night,
Hope I don’t wake up in fright.
A quiet moment with a sadden heart,
I wish we’d never have to part.

A time will come when I’ll come back,
To live my life and enjoy my friends.
So keep that in mind for it’s a fact,
So take care and dwell in the love God sends.

No longer seen

Invisible to the eye,
No one understands who am I.
Struck by confusion,
Life is like an illusion.

Friends all come and go,
They see you when there’s no show.
How happy can it be,
When life is a mirror that reflect only me.

Though the care from them are real,
But there is no chance to receive and to feel.
For they are all not here,
When I stare at the walls in fear.

To get what I want,
Should I be straight and blunt?
Is there another way,
To let hear what I have to say?

At the end of the day,
I feel I’m like them in a way.
Many friends I’ve left alone,
To dwell on a silence as cold as stone.

So who am I to judge?
I should give myself a nudge.
Life was never fair,
So I shouldn’t even judge a hair.

So I’ll leave it as it is,
With a hope that God blesses me with a kiss.
Then I shall wish it away,
And look forward to a sunny day.

2004-07-29T12:14:00.000+08:00

Wings of thoughts that always flows,
keeps a man like me on his toes.
Dealing with the daily fights,
of mind and body,sense and sights.

Reaching to the highest height,
only to comprehend what is fright.
Looking low for what I sow,
only to find what patients grow.

Trusting Him in all I do,
hoping that me dreams come true.
In the end I'll finally see,
All that He has done for me.

What happens in times of solitude?
We all face a certain tone of troubles in times of solitude, but each in a unique way. For my stand it is over thinking, doing what is more than necessary. Someone once told me, a person can't think too much but can over do it. So what does this statement mean? Well in my personal view, we just think of things that matter the most to us and at times we think ahead of what we are experiencing. To a certain extend it posses a certain amount of discomfort as we keep those thoughts in view daily. Things may change and we may not be able to change it to our liking or what we had thought it to be. The other part is the amount of uncertainty that haunts us and provokes our thoughts, testing its validity. Criticalism?! Some would term it so, but I believe God created each person with a uniqueness. It is most of the time that we do not appreciate and understand this creation of God. Even for me a t time it is difficult to swallow that thought of appreciation of what I am, but it is a progressive process which takes time. There is no short cut, only patience and trust will guide us through.

2004-07-27T09:28:00.000+08:00

I found this to be a very nice article. It is sweet and touchy.

"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love. There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind, but keep in mind that letting go isn't the end of the world, it's the beginning of a new life. Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched and those who have tried. For only they can appreciate the importance of the people who have touched their lives.A great love? It's when you shed tears and still you care for him, it's when he ignores you and still you long for him. It's when he begins to love another and yet you still smile and say I'm happy for you. If love fails, set yourself free, let your heart spread its wings and fly again. Remember you may find love and lose it, but when love dies, you NEVER have to die with it. The strongest people are NOT those who always win but those who stand back up when they fall.Somehow along the course of life, you learn about yourself and realize there should never be regrets, only a lifelong appreciation of the choices you've made. A true friend understands when you say, I forgot; waits forever when you say, just a minute; stays when you say leave me alone, opens the door even before you knock and says can I come in? Loving is not how you forget but how you forgive, not how you listen but how you understand, not what you see but how you feel, and not how you let go but how you hold on. It's more dangerous to weep inwardly rather than outwardly. Outward tears can be wiped away while secret tears scar forever.In love, very rarely do we win but when love is true, even if you lose, you still win just for having the tingle of loving someone more than you love yourself. There comes a time when we have to stop loving someone not because that person has stopped loving us but because we have found out that they'd be happier if we let go. It's best to wait for the one you want than settle for one that's available.Best to wait for the one you love than one who is around. Best to wait for the right one because life is too short to waste on just someone. Sometimes the one you love turns out to be the one who hurts you the most, and sometimes the friend who takes you into his arms and cries when you cry turns out to be the love you never knew you wanted. Laugh to your heart's content; you cannot go through life without it.When you think of your past love, you may view it as a failure. But when you find a new love, you view the past as a teacher. In the game of love, it doesn't really matter who won or who lost. What is important is you know when to hold on and when to let go!You know you really love someone when you want him or her to be happy, even if his or her happiness means that you're not part of it. Everything happens for the best.If the person you love doesn't love you back, don't be afraid to love someone else again, for you'll never know unless you give it a try. You'll never love a person you love unless you risk for love. Love strives in hurting.If you don't get hurt, you don't learn how to love. Love doesn't hurt all the time. Though the hurting is still there to test you, to help you grow. Don't find love, let love find you. That's why it's called falling in love because you don't force yourself to fall. You just fall.You cannot finish a book without closing its chapters. If you want to go on, then you have to leave the past as you turn the pages. Love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress. It is a lifetime venture in which we are always learning, discovering, and growing.The greatest irony of love is letting go when you need to hold on and holding on when you need to let go. We lose someone we love only when we are destined to find someone else who can love us even more than we can love ourselves."

2004-07-10T20:52:00.000+08:00

obstacles of the day...
A hunter drifted far,
Searching for his prey.
His heart left ajar,
His love flew away.

Surviving on a hope,
From a life that's gone astray.
Many difficulties to cope,
He lives on by the day.

Discouraging scenes,
Battering moments.
Looking for a means,
To escape these bad omens.

All he wishes,
All he wants,
Is to be like a handful of beans,
That grows to the Heavens.

2004-06-30T20:05:00.000+08:00

The Strong Weakness
Honesty is the best policy! Is it in this current generation? Some people say it depends and others say no entirely. What is the principle that people hold to nowadays? I for one person have tried during one peroid of life to escape the habit of telling a lie. It is still a battle that I still face, but the only difference is that I face it with much more easy now.
Is this now a strength or a weakness? The answer to this question is to be answered by each and every one of us, personally. I see honesty as a key to trust. Althought it is a good value it is sometimes viewed as a weakness. Well no matter what, the right way was never easy to walk. Christ did not become our Savior by just walking the street and spread the Gospel, He died on the cross for our sins, which wasn't an easy walk indeed. Therefore it would be good if we could stick to the good value and slowly discard the bad values.

2004-06-21T12:09:00.000+08:00

The perfect decision
Things you want, people you desire to meet and stuff you wish to do. These are all the things that constantly haunt me. There are so many aspects of life to experience and given the limited opportunity sometimes it is more a race against time then a walk through life. In those instant moments we sometimes get desperate to make decisions and get results quickly. Awaiting the sign to stay or go for another thing. The fact is not many people get things the way they want it.
So the question to ask then is, how do we face this? Sincerely I do not have the wisdom to answer that question. As a person I struggle as much on as I do think of solutions. However one thing can be clarified. Sometimes you can’t grasp the things you want at the moment. When the opportunity arises for you to do something about it, regardless whether it was the right timing, many of the options are filled with uncertainty. It is difficult to say when to hold and when to let go, but at the end we all have to choose. The only thing I feel that we can do is to make the decision and just hope that we made the right one and have faith that God is in control of the fickle decisions that we make. I, in most areas, have been quite fickle and it is one of my weaknesses, but by God’s grace I will be pulled through it. For in weakness God’s strength completes and perfects.

2004-05-25T17:43:00.000+08:00

Love in condition.
How does someone love unconditionally? The love of man was termed as conditional love. For men, there are criterias to be met in order to love, whereas a womens love is mostly unconditional. To what extend is that true and how can that be measured? Sitting here thinking about it, this statement is quite true. However I do not entirely agree that womens love is unconditional, but in general it is acceptable since there are some that fit that criteria. Why is a men's love conditional then? I question myself over and over again but I cannot explain it myself. However, I can only state that men in general have great appreciation for physical matters. Beauty is one word that cannot be left out from 'his' view, whether in physical apprearance or character. For my part I do not understand this topic as I am discussing it. I am lost to its application. If people term love as caring and helping people with all your heart and might, than I guess I love everybody. But when I view it in the context of a relationship, I have no idea what that means anymore. I have love in a dream and a hope, but I do not know what it feels like anymore.
The way Jonathan loved David (in the Bible: Book of 1 Samuel I think) was as he loved himself. It was descibed later by David that it was much greater than that of a women. I can understand the word when it was mention or said to me, but there is no emotional meaning. The word love in my life is no different then the word care. I do not understand what this mean but I am determined to seek out the answer. Right now, the only person I can think of that ever love uncoditionally is Jesus. Even that I do not understad what that could possibly feel like. It is something that I won't fully understand although I know it.

2004-05-13T18:27:00.000+08:00

The ways of the fallen man should not be the ways of any man.
Whether in rage or under pressure, we should not submit into madness and blame. Most challenges and difficulties usually put us in a position whereby we feel like giving up or giving a piece of our mind to people, but that wouldn't be the way that Jesus would respond. We are called to forgive and show kindness even in times of trouble. There is no situation whereby we do not have time to show kindness, I myself have to practice that with much effort. However the brighter side of it is we are not alone in our struggles and God is always with us. For my part, it is sometimes hard to do what I have mentioned but one of the ways that I have found to ease the emotions is to express. By writing and speaking to God about it. I am a falling man that hangs on a hope on God, that He will turn things around for me. I would be a fallen man if I did not have Jesus in my life. So what is the difference between a fallen and a falling man in my eyes?! Well a fallen man has probably lost all hope including his trust in God, but a falling man is still falling but would probably not touch the ground depending where he puts his faith. I guess in times of trouble we should not be deceived that we have already fallen, but believe that we are falling but with the hope that He would rise us up.

2004-05-10T12:51:00.000+08:00

10 cent moment.
It was an average day. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. He was headed home when his friend invited him for a stop in KLCC. They made the stop and proceeded to the ticket machine to purchase a ticket for the trip home. At that moment there was a lady in font of him buying a ticket. She seemed to be short of a 10 cent coin and was frantically searching her purse for one due to the queue behind her. He made a glance to her friend and too out a 10 cent coin and said to the lady in font of him "Miss..." And in went the 10 cent coin and out came the ticket. In that instant the lady looked at him and was in a bit of a shock mode and then began to thank him.
For that brief moment, that scene was almost like those you see in movies or even in those sweets adverts. So I'm calling it the 10 cent moment. The most important part of the scene was that, it was a small deed and but a good deed. To help one another is something we should do. Sometimes the small effort we put in could generate a lot of relief for someone.

2004-05-06T11:18:00.000+08:00

Walking the life of a blinded man. Blinded not by physical sight but by direction and purpose. The ultimate goal is still present, but the immediate ones are lost. Hopelessness and discouragement rage through his system. Nothing except the thought of tomorrow drives him to live on. In his mind he hears the words rehearsed over and over saying "If only tommorrow could be better than today...". He hides himself in the deepest corner of his mind, never to reveal what struggles he faces. This harsh and cold world, as he views it, does not understand and has nothing to offer for comfort.All he indulges all day is self pity.

A cold place to stay,
a darker tomorrow.
There is nothing to say,
and my heart is all hollow.

To see come what may,
to hide down I borrow.
Till hope leads the way,
now I won't follow.

Never again to see the light,
all I had has turned to fright.
Will this be the time to see,
the one man fall, that is ME.

This would be 'he' that's part of me,
but I've chosen today that it not be.
Move along I bit to thee,
Never turn into the one call 'he'.

2004-04-30T15:20:00.000+08:00

Caught in between two. Fighting the battle at both fronts. These are the statements that I would use to describe life at times. Sometimes it is hard to figure out what the heart really feels and what the mind thinks. They sometimes become so contradicting and at that moment you are find yourself lost it the mids of your daily rountined life. So what do you do about it? Some people say "you've got to compromise a little", but I think sometimes we compromise too much. It is about time that some of us took up the challenge and responsibility to face these internal conflicts. I use to think that it is best to think with your heart. I still do but with more caution now. Although I feel that the heart speaks genuine words and expresses honest feelings, but the heart also possess other emotions, such as greed and jealousy, and without control it will lead us into a complicated string of things. It is sometimes difficult to figure things out on our own, and after a while it becomes a lonely battle. If that loneliness lingers, you start to feel emotionally down and at times spiritually low. It is times like these that we are vulnerable and easily get side tracked or tricked into doing things. It is good if you have the strength to leave these problems in God's hand and allow Him to sought things out for you, but it may also help if we shared the thoughts or feelings we have with those who we can relate to. Apart from that, one lesson I have learned is that it would be good to take some time off and clear our thoughts and seek God's help. For me, it has been a long and tough battle, but I am not discouraged yet. There is still a long life ahead and I intend to live it the best I can.

2004-04-28T15:03:00.000+08:00

How far is too far? Different people face different type of problems. Some choose to share it with other, and some don't. However there is also another kind which want to share but do not know how to. In those cases the problem seems greater than the words used to express them. For my part, I have had a fair share of problems too, so have most people. In all of it I have tried many times to solve it on my own, sometimes it can be fixed sometimes not. However there is one difference when you relate it to God. Putting hope on something that cannot be see to aid you through the the trials can sometimes be scary. In fact, it is scary! But after a while you get use to it after doing it a few time and you finally realize that it is a good way to manage. Things somehow seem less difficult and you can literally feel that thick strand of hope you are holding to. "Things worked out!" you say to yourself. Then you see the rainbow after the storm. Some many may call it luck or just a coincidence, but I choose to say that it was God's help.
Even though we manage to over come many problems, but there are some that even our little faith can't carry us through. At that moment, God seems so far away although He is just next to you. When temptation comes and you see a short cut through your problems, but it involves giving in to sin. Do you do it? How far before do we go before we cross that line of sin. This is what has been going through my mind. Although there hasn't been any temptation of that sort in my time of difficulty, but I couldn't help but think of the possibility of it. So what is the answer to the question? That I do not know for sure, but one thing I can say is "Don't cross that line!". I know it is easier said than done but I believe that is what many would say. Plus looking at how much Jesus was willing to suffer for our sins, I would say that we could do a little suffering on our side. I guess a little suffering would help us appreciate what we already have, plus it may help bring us closer to Him. Unlike the suffering that Jesus took, ours isn't that much physical and isn't that painful as compared His. Then the best answer I feel for the question is, it is as far as your love for God. If you love Him, the things you do will not lead to the direction of sin, because you will never reach nor get close to that line of sin if you follow His plan. But if God is not priority in your walk, than the steps you take might lead you sin or close to that borderline, than only will you begin to measure and ask "is this too far?".

2004-04-27T09:15:00.000+08:00

Well so begins a new chapter of my life. I have decided not to let the previous things that have happen to me obstruct me in my new walk. At the end of it all, I asked myself "what was it all about?". Now the answer is clearer to me than it was before. It was about living fruitfully and cherishing the great sacrifice. The things that I once face I have found peace in Him. Although much is not certain, but isn't what faith is all about?! Trusting in God for the things beyond our control???!!!
There is no guarantee that my life would be a good testimony, but I intend to make it the best I can. Many roads are ahead for everyone. It is not over till the time come, so we must live life to its fullest. The thought now that is in my head, pleas to me not to indulge in self pity. For it is the condemner of esteem and never brought much good to a person. There are many things in me that I have to change, but one thing remains I cannot change who I really am. What I desire now is to learn how to find favor in Him and trust Him with all my heart. There are many indescribable emotions within me that drives me on these days, and they become the fuel which I relate to the world. It is al most like feeling lost in a know place, and yet having peace about it (hope this statement doesn't label me as an oxymoron). One could say that life is a road with mixed blessing.

Looking over the horizon,
anxiously I'm waiting to see.
What that new sun rise,
will bring on for me.

Hoping and waiting,
fear crips up to me.
But firmly I keep standing,
for Jesus lives in me.

His strength will I rely on,
and my own surrendered.
For His love stands upon,
the life which I offered.